(JAN 30, 2023)

Long story short: I'm still going through shit.

Short story "longed": I've been working on my mental health and building myself back together after going through various rough chapters of my life. Some of which are easier to talk with people out of my comfort, or because people can understand my situation easier. But I'll try and format each current, and main, aspect of my life which is currently on my mind:

Mental health: Still a bitch, especially when it comes to the impact of the horrible hospital incident from 2021. I'm not going to explain what happened for those that don't know, but let's just say that I've sought therapy to process it and am fractured in various ways in the aftermath of it. It first started off with avoiding any person which reminded me of those faces from the hospital, being on guard all the time, having pervasive anger issues over even the most minor things, mistrust in people, the uneasiness feeling of being "touched" in any way (even if it's a hug) and daily episodes of classic PTSD. It's understandable then that I've went to seek therapy at some point,which has quelled both my trauma and stress from all of this, but still leaves me feeling alone and sometimes even "gross" knowing I've gone through a horrible situation that not many can understand. I know now that I don't need to be on guard all the time as the outside world isn't the same environment as that I've experienced in this deranged hospital. I've also learned later that I shouldn't have been ever assigned to that place when I was diagnosed with autism, months after leaving the place and for unrelated reason. This was a loud, dreadful place which has definitely challenged my capability with combatting stress. All I wish from this is to have some peace with myself.

Art/art projects: Honestly I've not had a lot of motivation, especially after Oct.-Nov 2021 because of the former topic being the main cause of it. I've also been in the middle of "re-branding" or changing focus of my creativity from just meme/shitpost art to exploring other themes such as mental health, original art, and experimental genres despite my pseudoname being "Satire HQ". The meme art was fun but it was a by product of trying to appease Instagram's algorithm (where I hosted my art) in order to recieve the cheap reward of attention and appraise I always feel me or my creative hobby lacks. Like I've mentioned, I don't really feel much like I want to make "satire" (or parodies) as my main focus or resonate with that pseudonym anymore but I don't have a solid alternative name to go by. So I'll keep the "ID/brand" as is for now. Also another reason I haven't been making art is because I lost my copy of Adobe Photoshop. But not to worry, I bought myself Rebelle 5 many moons ago thinking it was going to be a nice experiene and because it's a painting software meant to replicate traditional media on your computer. Long story short: that program has a STEEP learning curve which I'm still getting over but I still feel it's a viable software for me to use in the long run. As I've mentioned, I really like how much the brushes in the software tries to replicate the appearance and tectile experience of a graphite pencil or paintbrush, along with how crisp Rebelle 5 can export my art files. So it's definitely here to stay, albeit with a long time for me to adapt to its UI.

Transgender/transition journey: Just happy I came out and I don't need to hide/repress this identity anymore. Though I only came out in 2021 when I was 20, I feel like I've been able to do so much for myself after almost 2 years such as getting my documents changed to my current name, changing clinics to get HRT, and even working on (hopefully) getting gender affirming surgeries to make my life happier. PS: Thank you to everyone who uses "man", "dude", "he", and anything similar to me, that really makes my day everytime :)